Empathy, or exploitation?
When does having empathy turn into being taken advantage of?
It's World Mental Health Day.
And I'm in the middle of a touchy conversation with a neighbour about bills and liabilities.
So thought I'd share some tips for negotiation and leadership.
I like to think I'm a high-empathy person. At home and at work, I believe that to understand the position and opinion of someone else is to better understand your negotiating position. I also believe that, energetically, you get out what you put in from this life. If you enter into things with good intentions, all being well, good things happen. When we focus on how everyone else is trying to screw us over, guess what? We tend to always be disappointed and feel like someone has done a number on us.
And call me a stupid optimist, but I like to think most people are (broadly speaking) good, fair, and just out for an easy life.
So, I try to enter conversations (even the tough ones) to understand the other person's position. I'll make a clearer and more concise point if I'm better able to mould my argument to reflect their worldview and experiences, and I'll feel more reasonable doing so. Don't get me wrong, I tend to assume that everyone works and thinks like me, but rationally, I know that's not true. Life is a negotiation, and you're rarely winning; you're working out how to best compromise for mutual benefit.
But what if the other person isn't in it for mutual benefit?
When does having empathy become being taken advantage of?
For me, it's in three places;
1. Unreasonable demands with little context and no clarity.
This can look like random numbers, which seem to have been drawn from nowhere and only spurious reasoning around their relevance.
It can also be an overreaction on their part to a reasonable request from you, leaving you with nowhere to go. I remember someone once looking at me like I had run over his dog when I asked for annual payments in advance in return for the enormous unit rate discount he was asking for. Of course, I want to help you with whatever situation you’re in, so we can continue with this partnership for mutual benefit, but for everything given, there must be something received.
2. Unwillingness to enter a conversation
In addition to the unreasonable demanders, you have the “Everything is black and white” folks. If someone won't engage in a conversation, an agreement cannot be reached.
People who feel like life is a sum total win-or-lose game will never feel satisfied during a negotiation. In that sense, it’s the old line about not negotiating with terrorists. You’ll only ever back yourself into a corner trying it.
Adults can have conversations. This can also look like someone trying to use their power to influence or overwhelm you. Have boundaries, measured by personal or professional risk tolerance, and be prepared to walk away.
3. Unnecessary context and/or information overload
Or, emotional blackmail. If you're a high-empathy person, watch out for this one. Some people want to exploit the high empathy stakes, and they know this works (even with people who have lower standard levels of empathy). They often pile on irrelevant context, or present the results of their decisions as somehow a fallout of them trying to do you a favour. There's often no accountability for their own role in the situation, only a portrayal of themselves as the victim. The additional context is often designed to layer on guilt, to encourage you to back down because "they're having a hard time" or to confuse the facts of the situation. The more noise there is, the more work you have to do to try and work out what's relevant and what's not.
As a leader, I'd always recommend flexing both your self-awareness and your empathy. Is what you're asking of the people on your team;
1. Reasonable based on their skills and abilities
2. Fair given their job role
3. Clear in terms of expectations and outcomes
If no to any of those, try again.
You can be the clearest and most empathic person in the world, but it won't always work.
Some people will try and blind you with data.
Some people will lay on the sob story to get their way.
Some people won't even come to the conversation.
Call it out.
I’ll always continue to lead with empathy, to make space for others to help me understand who they are and what they need. There is a line, though, and that’s the point of the post.
I lead with empathy, so I don’t lose my cool at people who don’t understand me. When I feel frustrated that my message isn’t getting across, or I’m not being heard, I think about who the other person is and what experiences have led them to their position. I think about how I can flex my communication or my position to better reflect what they need or who they are.
But sometimes you can’t. And you need to walk away.
My top tips;
Be clear about your position and your expectations, and let others come to you with their requests.
If you have the request, ensure you’re clearly articulating your why and what’s led you to your position.
Take the time to reflect on what people ask, rather than respond immediately. This will give you the space to understand where their request might be coming from.
Give what you want to receive. Be kind, supportive, understanding, and don’t compromise on your behaviour, even if it’s tempting to match the tone someone else is giving you.
Don’t be afraid to remove yourself from a conversation that’s no longer productive.
Blog photo by Samuel Ferrara on Unsplash
